To my beautiful friend,

I haven’t seen your face in almost two years. I feel like I just saw you though. How has it been two years? That doesn’t seem right...

The last conversation we had was on Facebook in June. You told me you were proud of me. That you’d come to a yoga class soon. I told you I love you and I miss you. I meant it my friend. I really really meant it. The 6 years of inseparable, unexplainable friendship. I’ll never forget it. I think we drove the other girls crazy from time to time with our antics and inside jokes, haha!

When I found out my body went numb. I didn’t want to believe it. I was sitting at a coffee shop with my boyfriend. You haven’t met him, but I wish you could’ve. We were sitting at the coffee shop and I couldn’t even read what was on my phone screen. I just handed it to him and said I need to go home NOW. That walk home was weird. I didn’t feel like I was walking. Just needed to get home fast. I cried the whole way home. In shock. Numb. Unsure. This can’t be real. It must be a misunderstanding. This can’t be real.

I got home only to see that it was indeed true. This is real and it hurts. A pain I’ve never experienced. I’m not sure how to put words around any of this. Nothing will do you justice. Nothing I can say to feel better or bring you back. Nothing I can do. Nothing I could’ve done. And that’s a truth I know. There’s nothing I can do to bring you back.

I finally got off the couch to flip through old photo albums. Needing to see you face. Needing to see us in our element. We had so much freaking fun together. I laughed and smiled and cried, flipping through our memories.

I couldn’t stop crying. I’m still crying. Sick to my stomach. This can’t be real. It can’t be.

I turned to my journal yesterday to write. To keep myself distracted from the pain while still thinking of you.

/ / /

I cry in mourning of you

Was there something I could do?

I cry as I remember you

Trying hard not to lose you

I cry these tears for you

Only imagining the pain you’ve been through

It’s raining here for you

The whole universe is sad for you

These tears I cry for you, our friendship, your girls, your family, our friends,

These tears I cry for you, my friend, for all of us.

I love you forever Octavia.

/ / /

 

What hurts the most is that I didn’t even really know what you were going through. Sure as hell didn’t know this could happen. I didn’t know you were in pain and that’s what hurts the most. I didn’t know it was this bad. I hate that I didn’t know. I’m so sorry I didn’t know.

I still don’t think these words are it. I don’t know how to talk about this. All I know is that I love you and I miss you.

 

Here’s to the great times we had together

The good times and the hard times

The happy and the sad

Junior prom

Working at Zesto

Dropping me off at the airport for my first flight, ever

Chicago for my 20th

College parties here and Evansville

Every birthday and get together over the years

Every pool party and late late summer nights

Staying up too late talking and laughing and crying

And driving around singing and talking with no place in particular to go

 

 

I love you,

Hailey