The ups & downs

Sunday, May 8th, I opened the notes app on my phone & started typing – trying to find a way to formulate all of the feelings inside of me. Trying to write something to allow you all to see what’s in my mind and heart. I wrote paragraphs on paragraphs then stopped. This one was mine to keep. Mine to think about and hold to myself. I got distracted and moved onto whatever elseI did that night.

I started writing again on Tuesday, this time to keep up with my 1 blog post a week routine that I am trying to establish and maintain.

The post started with with:

Relationships

My history with “love”

Trying to express my feelings about the words that literally wouldn’t form lately.

Writers block set in. I closed my document and figured tomorrow is a new day. It will all come to me then.

Wednesday, I pulled up my document and started typing again. About how love is exactly like trying to be happy. You don’t try to love love love until you reach a point of bliss and that’s it. You don’t reach happiness. Or love. It’s a journey with no destination. It’s easy then it’s hard. It’s light and heavy then light again.

But, I got writers block. I read a few articles about communication in relationships, chemistry between people, finding yourself, and more. It didn’t do anything. The articles were nice but there I was still stuck, fighting to make sense of it all.

I absolutely hate feeling stuck. It feels like thousands of pounds of uncertainty is laying on me and there’s no way out. I start to get sad and down and unsure. Being stuck really messes with me. Whether it’s writing a blog post or verbalizing how I’m feeling toward someone, something, or myself. Stuck is very very uncomfortable for me.

But, as I continue to observe my thoughts, listen to my body and pray a whole lot, I’m understanding that this stuck feeling comes from bottling up feelings and thoughts for too long. It comes from thinking things but not following through with getting them out. Maybe I should write even more often than I am currently?

Regardless of how long I hold something in, or let myself stew on it until I find the right words, as soon as I let it out everything feels light again. Imagine that. It’s simple and I know it, but it still doesn’t stop me. Day by day I’m working on embracing all of the things that make me me, while also acknowledging the things that are a part of me, but not me.

Read this post below by Rachel Brathen. A post that I found right when I needed it. I figure, why try to formulate something, when it’s already there for you.

“I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m broken. Not in a sad way but in an it-is-what-it-is kind of way. Life happened and I’ve adjusted accordingly. We’re all a little bit shattered. Pain and heartache comes our way and with time we develop patterns that we think will protect us… But that only keep us in fear. There are traits in me that aren’t necessarily a part of who I am, but that surface as a result of what I’ve seen in this lifetime. For instance: I have a huge fear of abandonment. Since my parents separation when I was two, my stepfather’s death when I was four, my mothers suicide attempts that followed and every divorce, trauma and death I’ve experienced since.. Sometimes makes me act a bit strange in relationships. I have to be continuously mindful of what’s real and what’s fear.

I’m scared of being left out. I’m controlling – I want things to happen my way, and I often assume things are going to go wrong if I’m not in charge. I micromanage everything. I expect people to fail me, or disappoint me, or leave me… So they often do. It’s instilled in me since I was a little girl that “if I don’t do it on my own we’re not going to survive” and I can be assertive to the point of coming off as bitchy. I don’t trust easily, and I don’t give second chances. I’m messy. I’m emotional. I love hard and get upset about little things. I take everything personally. I want to fix everyone, even if they’re not broken.

I want the world to be whole because that means I am.

So much of what how I feel and act is connected to the past. Part of my journey is figuring out what is truly a part of me, what brings my light out into the world, and what’s baggage masquerading as personality. What’s action, and what’s reaction? Am I moving with love or with fear?

The only way to make peace with who you are is to make peace with your past. Explore your childhood. Your history. It brought you here and it made you who you are; but is this you at your fullest potential? Do you see love in everything? Is this your purpose?

Ask questions. Notice the signs. Peel some layers off. Keep looking for love and when you’re ready it will show itself as everything you already are.”

While I may have never lost a parent, gone through a divorce, or even know this insta-yogi that I follow online, reading these words, for me, have helped me understand the things I’ve been feeling in my own way and in my own life.

Love yourself, for your sake. Through the easy days and the rough ones. Every other relationship is simply a bonus. Each one that is true, honest and open will make you better, but only if you’re loving to yourself first. Because through truth and honesty you can be open and a little more unafraid to share how you feel. You can say the words that get lodged in your throat. Because what do you have to lose? Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all.

I’ve been coddled and enabled from dealing with my problems my entire life, by my own will. Never realizing that I was the one that was supposed to push myself to face my own fears and doubts. And also go after my dreams, my hopes, my incredible plan to make an impact and do something amazing in this lifetime. It’s me who holds myself back and is also in charge of pushing myself forward. It’s all about balance my friends and we all need to find the balance that is within us to live the life we so desperately yearn for. It’s right there waiting for you if you let yourself have it.

 

So much love,

Hailey