Relationships are a choice
I had an interesting conversation with one of my best friends the other night about relationships and love. She asked me how I’m doing and I told her I’m feeling lonelier than usual… that I have a strong urge to just be loved. This isn’t exactly new news though – I am an above-average emotional, passionate woman who believes in choosing and showing love over any other emotion, haha. But, as I was talking to her we got on the subject of the difference between loving someone for exactly who they are and not lowering our expectations to settle for someone who is never going to be what we deserve.
We’d all be lying if we said we haven’t thought this before…“it’ll be so nice when… he stops doing that thing…. when he does XYZ for me out of nowhere… when he surprises me with….”
All of the things I truly want in a relationship I begin to crave so much more when I realize I’m likely to never receive them from the person I’m with. I start to date someone and then hope, wish and pray they will do the things I truly need from another human. That isn’t love – that’s called settling and hoping for the best.
And then on the other side is consciously loving someone exactly how they are – knowing that this is most likely who they will always be at their core. That thing you can’t wait for them to grow out of and or stop doing… is unlikely to happen. We can’t change people – it is not in our control, and never will be. And that’s okay. However, we have to be aware of when our minds go to “this will do” or “maybe someday they will” or things can get messy and hurt much worse than they should.
So, how do we truly date people without practically sabotaging anything that could be something wonderful?
Stop playing games – We are grown adults you all. This whole, I can’t text him/her first because it may seem too desperate or I may seem too available thing is bullshit. Always do what feels right (even if you’re scared or nervous) and communicate when it feels off. Playing games only comes off as being manipulative and juvenile. If you like someone, let them know. And if you’re unsure of something also let them know. No one deserves to have their time wasted or live with regret when it all comes down to something as simple as speaking up to honor your feelings. Yes, rejection is real and it hurts, but it’s not an excuse to show up inauthentically.
If he doesn’t get you, he shouldn’t get you – Someone asked me recently why I haven’t been going on dates lately and it hit me hard. “Well, because no one is asking me?” I said, but I really thought * oh no, why aren’t guys asking me on dates?? This is WEIRD! Do I seem unavailable?? Do people think I’m with someone and won’t ask me on dates? Am I too intimidating or “too much”?? *
Wait, what?! NO. I’m not too much… I’m me. If someone doesn’t get my writing or my obsession with Whole30 and yoga and the movie Home, then they aren’t right for me. Period. DO not choose someone who lessens your shine or makes you feel like you have to constantly fight to explain your passions or quirks. The one who gets you, you will not have to explain these things to.
Run at the first red flag, don’t wait it out – I’m serious. If you don’t know your non-negotiables or can’t stick to them then you’re not really aware for the best relationship you’re capable of having. If everything checks off except for that one tiny thing and you accept that, you aren’t allowed to turn around 6 months later and get upset about it. We need to consciously decide what’s worth sticking around for and what isn’t up for discussion in our hearts. Stand up for what you want and need – relationships are always a choice!
Be the best you and it will all fall into place – Maybe the right person hasn’t showed up yet because you’re not quite ready. Be aware of the people who show up to teach you things before the ONE shows up to love you for all of those things. Remember, we attract who we truly are. If you want the very best for yourself, you have to first be the best for you. It all starts with self love
It’s time to get real with ourselves. Our feelings are hurt because we are allowing them to be hurt. We are holding onto “potential” mates because we’re afraid of being alone. We shrink for others because they are just good enough to do. We are impatient because we don’t quite know how to be alone with ourselves.
Self-love is a choice.
So much love,