Peaceful Easy Feeling

I felt peace today without faking it or forcing it. I felt peace today, because with time there can be peace.

I don’t think it’s always the longest relationships that we learn the most from, but the ones that end as quickly as they begin. Those are the ones that send you the clearest of messages and teach the hardest lessons.

If you know me, then you know this year has been quite interesting. You know that within a short timeframe lots of wonderful things happened and lots of non-wonderful things happened. The reality that I believed to be true came crashing down around me and navigating the fallout hasn’t been easy.

Today, I knew I’d be faced with an awkward situation. And maybe it wasn’t so awkward as it was…foreign. A foreign situation where I was placed in a space with two people who hurt me very badly. Two people I haven’t seen in months. A day that would come inevitably. It was foreign because the them that I knew is not the them that I know now. It’s confusing when you think you know someone (or are getting to know someone) but beneath the surface much deeper things are going on that you’re unaware of. This is confusing partly through letting our own internal expectations rule how someone appears in our minds and ignoring or not fully acknowledging the truth behind what’s really happening. Because let’s face it, we tend to ignore red flags or signs because we don’t want to face the truth. It affects ability to trust. It affects ability to be the open fun loving person I’ve always been because through overly trusting and ignoring signs and feelings, I was hurt very badly.

So here I am, fingers flying across the keyboard on fire because only through moments that spark this fire am I able to truly reveal these feelings.

At first, it was easy to say “I’m over it” “it’s whatever” “their loss” etc. sure. But through the ups and downs of the past few months I realize that I was saying I was okay because I wasn’t fully facing the pain that was masked by initial shock of all that had happened.

For a while I kept saying “I’m over it. Moving on. It’s done. I’m so much better off.” But it wasn’t until the past month when it hit me like a ton of bricks that I wasn’t okay. And that’s okay. I kept putting on a strong face and a bold attitude to try to move on, when what I really needed was to face the truth of what had really happened and see the reality that now exists.

Things are different. People are different. Relationships are different. And it’s okay.

If we live life by trying to force peace or simply say “I’m at peace with this” when we truly aren’t, we will not reach a peaceful state any sooner than we will by saying “I’m going to lose 10 pounds” and expect to wake up the next day ten pounds lighter.

Healing takes time. Moving on takes time. Peace…takes time. And that’s okay.

Most people aren’t bad people intentionally. Most people do not set out to hurt you even when they do. Life and love and relationships are oh so complicated. And that’s okay.

After today…being faced literally with a foreign situation…I walked away feeling a lot more peace than I have felt in the past few months about this situation. And that feels good.

It’s nothing that anyone has said or done. It’s simply time and living. Falling and loving and crashing and hurting is such a beautifully strange process that always has and always will repeat itself through life.

I know talking about this may rub some people the wrong way, and I’d apologize but that’s not okay. This is my story. This is how an entire situation that involved a lot of people affected me and this is how I feel. This is my space and these are my words, from my heart. You don’t have to read any of it. But, the fact that you are here shows that you do care.

Today, I am not ready to completely forgive what has happened. And I’m not sure if I’ll ever be. And that’s okay. All that I know to be true is all that I need to keep moving forward.

Wherever you are, I hope this helps.

So much love,

H